


A Sizeable Matter

by Suzie_Shooter



Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Bets & Wagers, Circle Jerk, Hand Jobs, M/M, daft smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2018-02-09 09:40:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1978050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suzie_Shooter/pseuds/Suzie_Shooter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People are placing bets as to who's got the bigger dick, Aramis or Porthos. Athos is forced to act as judge. Somewhat inevitably, it all ends in a circle-jerk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Sizeable Matter

Athos wasn't entirely sure how he'd got dragged into this, but all things considered, was quite glad he was drunk. 

It had started as an argument in the bar. Aramis had been boasting of his latest exploits and made the rash declaration that he had the biggest cock in the regiment. The Musketeers surrounding him had been justifiably annoyed by this, but at the same time reluctant to contest it and risk possible humiliation. They had therefore countered his claim by pointing out that in all probability, Porthos had a bigger one.

Porthos, who'd been listening in amusement but up to now not getting involved, gave Aramis a wicked grin. "They're right you know."

"I do not know!" Aramis objected indignantly. "Just because you're built like a horse doesn't necessarily mean you're hung like one."

This caused great amusement in the bar, and much neighing. 

"Well there's clearly only one way to settle this," said Aramis' chief rival. "You'll have to compare, won't you?" Despite Aramis' objections, this too was met with great approval, and a certain amount of money changed hands as bets were laid.

"If you think I'm flopping it out it in here for you bunch of apes, you've got another think coming," Aramis declared.

"There's always the stables. You could both go and have a quick comparison?" came the leering reply.

"Well that's no good is it?" Porthos pointed out. "We'll both just claim it was us that was bigger."

"You need an adjudicator. Someone neutral. Someone who hasn't placed a bet."

It was at this point Athos had looked up with a growing sense of unease. "Oh no. No, no, no. No way."

He still wasn't entirely clear how his repeated refusal had lead to him standing in the stables with an indignant Aramis and a sniggering Porthos, but now that they were here they might as well get it over with.

Athos leaned against a convenient pillar and sighed. "Go on then. If you must. Present arms."

"Didn't think it was our arms they were worried about," Porthos grinned, unlacing his breeches unselfconsciously. He'd have thought twice about doing this in the bar but he'd undressed in front of Athos and Aramis countless times, even if then nobody had been paying attention. 

Porthos drew out his cock and stood there with his hands on his hips, waggling it slightly. 

Athos raised an eyebrow. Aramis snorted. Porthos grinned. 

"Come on then," he demanded of Aramis. "Show us what you got."

Aramis obliged, and stared defiantly at them while both Athos and Porthos peered at him. There were no two ways about it, Porthos was decidedly bigger.

"Sorry mate." Porthos clapped him on the shoulder and grinned. 

"Well - but hang on. This is no good is it?" Aramis protested. "I'm a lot bigger than this when - when - well you know when. I bet Porthos is all show."

Athos looked at him. "You're not seriously suggesting you compare erections?"

Aramis fidgeted. "It would be fairer."

"Christ I need a drink. Did anyone bring the wine?" Athos groaned.

"Bet I'd still beat you anyway," Porthos smirked.

"Would not."

"Would too." Porthos slipped a hand round himself and started stroking his cock, all the while maintaining mischievous eye contact with Aramis.

Aramis broke first and turned away. "You're not - we can't - are you mad? I mean _here_?"

"What's the matter?" Porthos chuckled, sneaking closer and looking over Aramis' shoulder. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"No, I - " Aramis swallowed, feeling inexplicably hot all over. "I just - " he sighed and turned back, revealing to both of them that he was getting hard himself. And without having touched it.

Porthos sniggered. "Like what you see do you?" He started shamelessly working himself a little harder, and by now even Athos was fidgeting.

Aramis groaned. "I hate you." 

"That's not what your dick says."

Aramis caved and started jerking himself quickly, feeling his cock thickening under his fingers, rising up towards his belly. Trying to pretend his eyes weren't fixed on Porthos' fingers sliding along his own.

Once he was fully hard, Aramis dropped his hand and glanced at Athos, who looked a little flushed.

"Well?" Aramis' voice was tighter than he'd have like for his dignity, but Athos didn't seem to notice.

Reluctantly coming closer, Athos considered the evidence standing proudly before him.

"Sorry Aramis. Porthos is still slightly bigger," he announced.

" _Fuck_ it."

"Yes!"

Athos patted Aramis commiseratingly on the shoulder and tried not to laugh.

"What about you?" Porthos said suddenly.

Athos looked confused. "What about me?"

"How big are you? It'd be hilarious if you were bigger than Aramis as well."

"Oh no." Athos held his hands up. "I'm not getting into this. Besides, you're both bigger than me, I admit it, I don't care."

"He's right, come on Athos," Aramis said, smirking. "You've seen ours. It's only fair."

"But I'm not - you know. Hard."

"You bloody are," Porthos said, eyeing the bulge in Athos' breeches. 

Athos sighed. He'd been hoping neither of them would notice. "Fine." He drew himself out a little self-consciously and suffered their inspection silently. 

"It's very handsome," Aramis declared with a note of admiration.

Porthos nodded. "Nicely proportioned."

Athos finally spluttered with laughter and they grinned at each other. It took a lot to make Athos lose it, and it always felt like an achievement.

The three of them eyed each other speculatively. This should have felt a lot more awkward than it did.

"Well. Shame to waste it." Porthos started stroking himself again slowly, knowing Athos and Aramis were staring and feeling a shiver of added excitement because of it.

"We - we shouldn't," Athos breathed, but his hand was already somehow on his cock.

"We never fucking speak of this," Aramis muttered, following suit with a lot less reluctance than his tone implied.

"You're the one who got hard watching me wank myself," Porthos pointed out, and before Aramis could retort he reached over and slid his hand around Aramis' cock.

Aramis spluttered. "What are you doing!"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Porthos grinned. "Also, I notice you mysteriously haven't punched me yet. Big boy."

"Shut up." Aramis glanced at Athos. "Besides, he got hard watching both of us. Why are you picking on me?"

"Can't reach. Anyway, there's three of us," Porthos smirked. "Got a spare hand, ain't ya?"

Aramis glared at him, and then at Athos. "You'll have to come closer," he muttered.

"You don't - have to - " Athos said faintly. But he shuffled closer anyway, and let Aramis grasp his cock. He glanced at Porthos, who caught his eye and grinned.

"Only if you want to," Porthos murmured in answer to his unspoken question.

Athos, to his surprise and slight embarrassment, found he did want to. Very much. He reached over and Porthos moved his hand off his own cock, letting Athos take hold of him.

Standing in a tight circle, the next few minutes went by in a rather breathless blur as they jerked each other off, with gradually increasing confidence and daring.

Porthos was the first to come, pulling out of Athos' grip seconds before with a strangled apology and cupping the head of his cock to avoid splattering them with his release. He straightened up, panting and wiping his hands carelessly on his breeches, and grinned at Athos.

"Thanks." 

Athos smiled, and blushed and looked away. Words at this point were rather beyond him, not least because Aramis was still enthusiastically jacking him off. The combination of Aramis' hand and the memory of how Porthos had felt under his fingers was soon enough to finish Athos too, and he just had time to mumble a warning to Aramis before he was curling over himself and groaning out his orgasm.

"Fuck." Breathless, Athos staggered back to lean against the wall, trying to clean himself up and at the same time watch Porthos stepping in to take hold of Aramis again.

Porthos applied himself to the task with a level of vigour and dedication that meant Aramis lasted precisely thirty seconds longer before coming with a stifled moan. Porthos had refused to let go, despite Aramis grabbing his arm in warning, and had pumped him gently all the way through his climax, until his hand was dripping and Aramis felt like his knees might give way.

"Well." Athos was the first to speak, clearing his throat. "That would appear to provide an answer that satisfies honour on both sides." They looked at him curiously and he gave them a slight smile. "Porthos may be bigger, but Aramis has the best stamina," he explained. 

They laughed, grateful to him for breaking the moment of awkwardness.

"And Athos' is the prettiest," Porthos added, making him smile.

"We're not really going to go upstairs and announce all this are we?" Aramis asked as they adjusted their clothing to something more respectable. "I mean - they'll want to know how we know."

Athos looked at him. "Personally I vote for sneaking out and fucking off to another inn before they realise we've gone."

"Seconded." Porthos clapped them both on the back. "Gentlemen?"

They left, arm in arm and laughing.

\--


End file.
